Intention vs. Goal

On embodying values, holding space for imperfection, and breaking up with binary/all-or-nothing thinking

If I had a dollar for every time I have told others to expect their healing process to be non-linear and imperfect, I would be quite wealthy. My motto is to live by my values, and not be too fussed about outcomes. Yet, I realized recently that I do not truly live by that philosophy. I understand it cognitively and know that it aligns with who I am, but at another level, I am still entwined with the all-or-nothing mentality that focuses on rigid outcomes.

All-or-nothing, or binary thinking, is a cognitive bias where we tend to perceive things in extremes, viewing situations as either black or white, with no shades of gray or middle ground. This sort of thinking is reflected when we chase goals. There is either winning or losing, succeeding or failing. There is no attempt made to reflect on growth or learning.

I see this often in people trying out diet fads or quitting substances. They will either quit eating/drinking/using a particular thing completely or go on a bender and binge. I used to do that too. I remember being diagnosed with pre-diabetes. I singularly focussed on reducing the number on my blood report and went on a diet plan that helped me get there, but also led me to become depressed and suicidal. Had I won because my blood report indicated that my A1C was at 5.7? I had achieved my goal, hadn't I? I did not feel like a winner at all.

My mindfulness and meditation practices nestled in Buddhist wisdom have allowed me to have a better relationship with myself, my body, and thereby with food and other substances. But it is hard to break up with binary thinking in its entirety. I often come face to face with my patterns of engaging in this way.

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I come from a long lineage of ardent Shakti devotees. I have developed a close connection with Kali Ma, and Palden Lhamo (Sridevi), her Tibetan emanation. I have been fasting for Chaitra Navratri. I am eating one vegetarian meal per day for the nine days of this festival. I spend my time in prayer and contemplation. I was excited because my previous experiences were enriching.

Since October last year, this will be my third Navratri fast. This time has been harder because we are also busy preparing our home for sale and I experienced a three-day migraine around the eclipse. Days four and five involved a lot of physical work like lifting furniture, moving endless boxes to storage, and deep cleaning the entire house for staging. The days when the labour was intensive, I was on the verge of fainting; I allowed myself to eat a second meal. My body and mind were grateful. I had a lot of decisions to make, and think on my feet. The nutrition helped. I did not feel guilty about this. I had a compassionate response to my circumstances, in line with my values.

Yesterday was the first day in a whole month when we were not rushing. The house has been staged and is ready to be listed. We are staying at a friend's. We got the images from the professional photo shoot of our staged house and I was happy to see the hard work we had put in paid off. I felt the urge to eat. I was hungry. I sat with it for a few hours, but it did not pass. I decided to eat. Sid heated me a nice plate, and I enjoyed it immensely.

There was a part of me that was disappointed that I had broken my fast. But mostly I understood that this period had been taxing for my mind, body and spirit. I held both these parts of me close.

This morning as I woke up, I heard Devi say to me, "There are two more days, and you can simply realign with your original intention of being with me through renunciation and contemplation." Wow. What a gentle and encouraging way of realigning myself to my intention.

Unbeknownst to me, I had been looking at the fast as a goal to maintain a particular lifestyle for nine days. I had forgotten briefly that there was an intention of love and devotion behind it. I had failed in my goal perhaps, but when it comes to an intention, there is no losing or failing. There is simply realigning.

I am back to my fast. I feel connected to my loving wrathful benefactor, Kali. I have won!