I am the best.

Have you ever thought of yourself as being the best? At anything. Have you ever said it out loud? What was your experience with that?

A few months ago, I was doing a consult with a new prospective client. They were looking for some mentorship and guidance as a mental health worker. Their interest was in providing decolonized somatic mindfulness therapy. We were vibing, and I suddenly heard myself say, "To be honest, I am the best decolonized mindfulness therapist out there."

Even as I was talking to them, my stomach began to quiver and I felt my heart racing. I heard a voice inside me scoff, "What the actual f*ck is wrong with you?" After all, I grew up in a culture that emphasizes humility and this was the opposite of that.

Instead of admonishing myself for being a "proudie," I brought curiosity to this thought. What was this part trying to say? Who was this part and what was their role in my life?

The answer surprised me. It was the Dharmic part of me that said that. The devoted disciple who works hard on the Path. Their rationale was simple. "You are diligent. You upgrade your training. You have a personal practice. You are steeped in study. You are creative. You have had incredible results with innumerable people. It is time to be proud of yourself and ooze the confidence." Their role in my life was to help me own my power and take up space. They wanted me to stop waiting around for systems to give me opportunities and carve my journey. I am doing that, but truthfully I am resentful and angry when things do not come my way.

The problem was that I had looked at my white counterparts and often found them to be boastful, and here I was making tall claims just like them. It was on that day that I realized a lot of my judgment (of others and myself) comes from a cultural lens. Once again, I had conflated humility with denying my power and strength.

Cultural patriarchal upbringing, the misinterpretation of my spiritual path, and the immigrant experience made me ignore and suppress my true power in a bid to be thought of as good. My mother's refrain also reverberated in my body. She used to say that when you say you are the best, you stop learning. I love my mother, but she could not have been more wrong.

At this stage in my life, having been in the profession for over two decades, I have worked hard personally and in my career. The mental health profession is not about arriving at the pinnacle of bestness, but rather committing to being a work in progress.

I imagine what it might have been like for Serena Williams to win grand slams one after the other even as her critics made fun of her looks, penalized her passion as aggression, and hurled racist attacks! If she did not believe she was the best, could she have shown up the way she did? Ah, I hear your skepticism (or mine), Are you comparing yourself to Serena Williams? Yes, I am. I am not a tennis player, but I am fantastic at what I do. Like really good. I am the best.

Let's both - you and I - sit in the discomfort of this declaration.

Here is what admitting my bestness to myself has given me:

1. I feel powerful and confident.
2. I am taking more risks and chances in my career.
3. I hold the multitudes of being best or worst lightly.
4. I understand that being the best doesn't mean not making mistakes.
5. I am excited about learning and growing.
6. I have stepped up and expanded my business to supervising others.
7. I know that I am not the best for everyone. BUT, I am for many!
8. I continue to march to my own beat, not worrying about the mainstream.
9. I am here for fcking sht up and not toeing the line.
10. I show up in the mental health space as a relentless advocate for dismantling the systems.

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You may think, "Ekta, you can be confident. Why do you have to say I am the best?" Over the years, manifesting beautiful outcomes has taught me that words have a unique impact. The brain is always listening, as is the universe. There was a time in my life when I did not think I was that good. I charged low fees. My practice and work was at its lowest. I attracted clients that were not suitable to my practice and interest areas. I felt disillusioned and even thought may be I am not meant to be a therapist!

Eventually, through inner work, and extensive training, I gained confidence and probably was at the "I am pretty good at this..." stage. I forced myself to be content with what I had because it was a lot more than I ever had before. Is this it? THAT felt more like stagnating than the phase I am in now.

Saying I am the best has somehow unleashed the desire to learn, grow, and be expansive in my skills, financial rewards, and as a person. Why would I deny myself the opportunity to do all of this? I know people who strive and work hard - do all of this from a place of not-good-enoughness. They feel on edge - a lot to loose if they do not meet their goals. I don't. For the first time in my life, there is the right energy coursing through my veins.

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The prospective client responded warmly to my declaration. However, they did not end up booking with me, and I am okay with that. If someone is not aligned with a Brown mindfulness therapist showing up in all their power, they are not the right fit for my practice. For every person who does not book with me for whatever reason, there are others who book repeatedly and send their friends to my practice.

I am in my badass era. Welcome to the magic!